Quick, to the slutcave!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
