If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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