when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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