I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
