Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
