did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
