im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
