Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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