go do what you do best...puke behind churches
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
