you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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