So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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