the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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