i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
