There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
