Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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