im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
