Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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