he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
