I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
