Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
