Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
