do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
