if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
