Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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