I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize