so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
