i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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