What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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