There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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