Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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