Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i don't like sucking hair
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
