My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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