I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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