my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
