Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
