i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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