i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
