He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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