Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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