Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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