he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize