just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
