I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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