that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
