guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
