I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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