dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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