he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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