man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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