just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
