when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
