it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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