what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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