she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
