ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
