Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize