Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
