i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
