Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
