guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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