I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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