I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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