Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
