so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
