I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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