he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
