but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
